What
if you're attracted to a man and he isn't committing to you?
He
likes spending time with you, and you're sleeping together, but each
time things get too intense, he backs off, becomes distant, and stops
asking you out.
Are
you also enduring a situation where he blows hot and cold and keeps
you so off-balance that you never know where you stand with him or
where the relationships going?
Well I call it, “The Peter Pan Syndrome”.
I
had a man I'd been seeing for about more than a year (I suppose) who
seemed totally over the moon about me in every way, and who'd been a
"friend" and co-worker before we started dating (if I may
call that way).
We both agreed to being "just friends", but when I did, he almost immediately
changed his mind.
I
knew he was just scared. I
knew he thought he was in over his head. I
knew he cared for me but just didn't think he was ready for any
kind of commitment (well, that's what he told me). But, knowing
all that didn't make me feel any better.
In
the space I tried to create for a couple of days, I'd gone from being
a "goddess-like" woman he'd always thought was "out-
of-reach" and "out-of-his-league" to a powerless,
insecure woman who felt at his mercy.
How
did I allow that to happen?
Because
I know deep down - I FELT "not enough" - and he just
tapped right into that and grabbed all the power in the
relationship. It
took me years and years to figure out how this was always
happening to me. How I'd give up my power in the relationship and
let the man run my emotions. And
then it took me more years to stop that from happening ever again.
From
the moment I will be able to figure out what I needed to do and not do to really take care of myself – maybe that's when the
great men will start to show up.
Well, what
if one day he's coming on strong, pursuing you, and then he
practically ignores you. One
day he's affectionate and warm, and the next he seems completely cold
and withdrawn from you. One day he calls you five times in a row, and
the next day -- nothing.
The
hardest thing in a situation like this is to know what to say to him
when you're feeling so disappointed and frustrated...without pushing
him away or getting into a fight.
I
worried and complained to my friends, and tried to act as if it was
all okay and that I was handling things. I actually tried
to make it seem like I was okay with being treated badly.
Like I was okay with being introduced as a "friend", (well, I know friends lang naman kame) and "okay" with not even being kissed or just touched once
in an evening out with his "other" friends.
It
took me a long time to get that needing or wanting a real relationship - wanting
a man to behave with me the way a man is supposed to behave with a
woman he likes (let alone LOVES) was not a sign of weakness.
It
took me a long time to get that I DESERVED to be loved and FEEL
loved.
It
feels humiliating and horrible.
So, what if I pull away from a man who wants to be "friends,"
without having more and more discussion about his point of view - is
this running away?
Is
it treating him as "disposable"?
I
guess, some men (including him) don't need more than what he has with me right now. I really don't know. There may not be another woman. There may be many other women. There
may not be another woman for years. It makes no difference. He may
never be into any woman. He may frequent prostitutes for all I know.
But
the most important question has nothing to do with him. The important
question is: do I want to be right, and make sure he knows I am
right, and make sure he knows what he did wrong, or should I
question myself, do I want to be loved?
If
I can put all that "right-ness" aside, maybe I can change
my love life overnight.
But
what usually happen is this -- the moment I stop making him wrong,
berating him, complaining, or telling him what he should have done or
should do, he'll relax.
He'll
relax in a way he has never allowed himself to relax with any other
woman. He'll suddenly stop being defensive. And we all know what a
man does what he feels defensive right?-- he pulls away. He doesn't try
harder to make us happy -- no -- he'll just withdraw.
He'll
stop FEELING affectionate.
He'll
stop wanting to do anything for you.
He'll
just use all of his energy to protect himself from what he perceives
as a threat. He'll walk away.
The
most awful part of this is that I "think" what I was doing
is just "letting him know" how bad he makes me feel. But the sad part was, its just getting worse. :|
I think, a man with this kind of syndrome (Peter Pan Syndrome), can be a no-win situation.
I don't know how long I will wait. Or how far I can go. All I can say now is... I don't know.
